Ravaging Currents

Day before the end.

Strangely enough, there seems to be little of what I expected to be a mass "graduation fever" that would spread. Few, or none at all, were sentimental today. Smiles were still shown in almost each one. Life for the graduating batch seemed to be normal; not standstill as I thought it would be; just plain and ordinary as if nothing were about to happen the next day. There was still the joyous, raucous laughter heard in every room, the frenzied running of those playing, and the ever-famous lack of discipline among most.

The sun may have shone brightly and unexpectedly today, there is still that clandestine loneliness buoying over the silence of the heart. There may have been no solitary moment in the throngs of students a while back, but, at the peace of one's own home, one cannot help but let the powerful currents of memory rush forward, drowning the self under a blurry stream of experiences, both fun and not.

It is still quite vivid to me the day I first worriedly entered my first year room. After two long months of tranquil rest from vacation, it was a bit nerve-wrecking when one suddenly immerses himself in an environment full of unfamiliar faces, especially if that person is not of the sociable type. Certainly, it was difficult for me to adapt to the great difference in my lifestyle from grade school to high school; we were all compelled to spend our recesses and lunch times outside of our classroom, whereas as little grade schoolers, we found idyll in the warmth of our own rooms. I actually had one recess that I spent alone, looking at all the faces unknown to me, embarrassed at myself that I had no one beside me, scared that I was going to be taunted (though, thankfully, I wasn't).

First year breezed by with a heavy dilemma settled over my mind: lack of company. Thoughts of spending the entire second year in high school in solitude frightened me, but, gratefully and fortunately, I didn't. Thanks to my former freshmen classmates, I found comfort that I wasn't alone. However, problems continued to present themselves still. Since I was going with my former classmates in other sections, they had another group of peers, and well, topics of conversation were sparse between us because of the lack of similarities in the classroom environ. I reminisce the one afternoon I vowed to myself that I would change; I will have friends by third year.

DJ. Those two letters mean a lot. In that section, I found something that I lacked for a long time. It was really new to me. I didn't expect to see myself laughing with one, united class, nor did I even hope to find myself talking and befriending more than my share of friends. We were one in giving our best in contests, winning, and celebrating. It was...great.

Now, as this chapter closes, I say "thank you" to all those people who have enriched my life in ways more than one, to those who trusted and inspired me to continue even under trials, to those who have found greatness in someone as simple as me, and...to those who have made me feel cared for for four years. Thank you.

* * *

G Haze

Lately, I've been posting nothing but overly sentimental and emotional posts about friendship and life. For a moment, I'd pass the softy stuff and take on a somewhat serious approach to things.

* * *

Online games have been in the gaming scene for quite some time now, years in fact, and by far, MMORPG's or the Role-playing types have been shining more than their Strategy or Shooter cousins. Only in these games can people get away from much of their stressful lives of routinely waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, leaving for work, working, having dinner, and sleeping, and get to immerse themselves in a world so far from this one, yet quite close because of the other live and real people they meet in such. Countless hours of fun are spent in these fictional realms ranging from medieval, gothic ones to futuristic and advanced ones.

Nevertheless, creativity seems to have expired a bit on the part of the developers of these games. More and more similarities between games of this kind are observed by gamers, and, for once, that is not a good detail to be taken notice of. Widespread monotony occurs in the gaming world as of the present and this has caused serious anxiety among gamers. The previous hack-and-slash medieval swordsman in one game seems to have been cloned exactly alike in another game, except for a few minor tweaks in the sprites and graphics. It seems safe enough to say that games' quality over the years have simultaneously gone up and down because of this lack of creativity.

My country unites with the rest of the globe. No one would certainly find difficulty in choosing which game to play over the dozens that have literally sprouted out of nowhere. There are a host online games that boast quality graphics and gameplay from variated developers and publishers. Some are pay-to-play, or the ones that need gametime load to be able to be played, while most are inherently free of charge; they generate their revenues from factors called "malls" where the community of players could purchase items among other things that could make them superior above the rest.

This, at first glance, seems to be a good notion after all, but it's not. Though the names differ and the graphics and background music are unique to each game, one just can't help but wonder why the game seems so identical with another. That's because they are. If they don't have the same titles of character classes, they would still however have the same archetype under a different, cooler-sounding name that would attract gamers. Skills are also a bit of a problem in this area.

If you get past the monotonous and endless chatter of the almost the same character jobs or classes, you'd take a screeching halt as you moan over the identical and foolishly boring "grinding system". It goes something like this:
1. Ready fingers on hotkeys.
2. Ctrl+Click the monster.
3. Wait for it until it dies.
4. Use a skill to make it faster.
5. Drink a potion if needed.
6. If killed, pick up the loot.
Now that's a basic routine for most MMORPG's.

I now hope that I can find a game that won't trap me in such boringness.

Tempest

WHAT does one do to control the wild, irrational exclamations of his soul? I ask myself that same question, but could not resolve as I too seek the answer.

IT'S weird. The cerebrum seems to be quietly whispering to me that my emotions are all messed about (yes, messed about- that's what our teacher told us as messed up refers to the err...serious mental defect), but an inner instinct, the heart, as they say (but I do not want to call it that way since I believe that the heart is primarily an organ), shouts and screams that I release the hot fumes of anger within my mortal carapace, and icy billows of loneliness. That seems most appropriate if I really do aim to accomplish my assigned tasks for the night.

THE big conundrum is "how?". How do you express something undeniably wrong? How can I release my worries and anxieties, when I myself do not think that it is justifiable. I am the one who's wrong, the one who does not wish to accept the changes that have happened, the one who refuses to forget the past in spite of the blinding pain it inflicts, and the one who demands for concern when "it" really shouldn't be asked for. Yet I only ask little for that. There's none, sadly.

SO I turn to writing, that all-great hobby of poets, novelists, presidents, actors, and so many more, that have truly inspired and shaped the world. The end product? It works. Writing is, as I have proven, more than a venue for meeting the requirements of school, or the workplace. Moreover, it is a way of the soul to express itself, to get rid of the pain it has trapped inside.

Almost Well

The day's been quite nice, for the most part; I was able to get my mind off of my troubles for a while as we shot our video for our assignment in English. It was nice that I got to experience how to be an assistant director for a while and learn on the fly the most appropriate angles of shots and blocking, and stuff.

Everything would have been carefree if not for the small "stumble-upon" meeting a few hours back. I, together with my friend, were searching for a shop that could transfer the video we shot from the tape to a cd, and we did as we found one that charged a not-so-cheap fee for the service, and as we were about to go home, we stopped by a hotdog stand to munch off some. The worst part? Nothing could have become worse than seeing two people, whom I've loathed, disdained, hated, despised, abhorred, detested, and every other word that's the synonym of hate. Yes, I do hate them, and it goes beyond, well beyond, than any other word I could express it with. I guess it's normal for those who've felt pain from being denied love.

Feeling of Friendship

LOVE, as my former Filipino teacher defined it, is only a feeling generated by our hypothalamus (or whatever doctors call it). Simply stated, it, sadly, passes away and is as permanent as a bubble flying, bursting, and vanishing into nowhere. Of course, it's not exactly as short-lived as that, but, well, let's face it, it's not the most unchangeable intangible object in this world, as demonstrated by millions of married couples who end up divorced or in annulment.

AT the moment, when the vivid colors of life start to get fuzzy and walks to memory lane begin to be more than enough, and with graduation fast approaching, I wonder: Is friendship a lot like love?

YOU see, I've never really had a huge group of friends, as common in high school where peer groups seem like gangs already because of the large number of members in each. For me, I am content with as few as three or four, as long as the friendship is, by far, genuine and intimate. I don't see the use for a merry group of 10 or more, if one's just taking for granted the relationships developed there.

WITH such few a number, I thought of myself as someone whose loyalty exceed the average, before, and I could care and support my friends to any extent. But I've completely forgotten that I am an idealist, ignoring much of reality and living in perfect idealism. This concept of loyalty that I have kept and honored for so long has come in conflict with my guts and courage. Could I really go that far? The unfortunate answer is: no. There are still some things more valuable to me than friendship, I guess. Circumstances have placed me in choosing between my work and my friends, and, as I regret, I have chosen my work over them; I turn down favors for them to focus on my work. Now I ask myself again, am I that loyal as I deem myself to be?

THE answer may be "no", but there was once an exception, and that was what all this entry was about.

I can't really afford the time to tell the whole story since I'm about to leave for a group meeting [but I'll surely tell it some other time], but, in overview, I had a friend whom I cared for the most, really. Trust me, I have never before, in my entire life, cared for a person other than those in my family. I've never helped anyone color his drawing, nor give him load to text his beloved, nor decorate his notebook, nor...the list could go on and on. We've gone a long way, I guess. We've shared each other's joys and loneliness, and he has become of prime importance to me. At some point, we've even considered each one as the "best", but it went down the drain when...

[for continuation]